october poems i forgot to post

my fall was hijacked by drinking too many cocktails and being alluring at all times. forgive me, please.

 poem i wrote after eating a bagel

call the press, a thirty year old woman 
is in love with brooklyn, new york
yes i’m still lonely 
but so is everyone else here
which makes me feel like i’m back in school
except this time i can shop at sephora 
without my mom’s credit card. 

here the people are warm
and every house is beautiful
my american dream is pumpkins on the steps
but right now i want to make out with someone 
who’s not right for me long-term
i want to write poems again
and go on 50 bad dates
this morning i stopped to look
at the cornice-lined sky
and thought “i could live here forever”
then wiped cream cheese 
out of my hair.

homewrecker

i tear apart my small home 
so i can make it to an event on time
(being overdressed at barnes & noble)
always the book signee 
never the author 
i tell a hot goth couple they inspire me 
to fall in love with someone who likes the same stuff i do
every time i talk to people i look up to
i start acting like oliver twist.

the trip home is twelve minutes 
but i get lost so it’s twenty five
when i step onto the wrong train
i start acting like i'm in john wick
last week i bought a pair of chelsea boots 
to mask my poor sense of direction 
does anything feel better than knowing where you’re going? 
maybe leaving it up to someone else.

i get back to my apartment
there are parents in the lobby
i have on a harness and pointed toe boots
it’s been ages since i’ve misbehaved
but at my best i’m still half witch, half whore
neighbors smile and i wonder if i’ll ever know what it’s like
to have a family of my own
besides married friends who take me to costco
and dishonest men i’ve called my daddy.

dropping serum on my skin before midnight
i think about the housefire i used to be
and wish i could tell her that virtue 
is just another word for turning thirty 
these days i fall asleep easy
knowing the people i’ve loved are happy now
and that each of our lives made it out of the ashes
and back into the light.

tomorrow i will do good things in a tight dress 
i will say good morning to everyone i see 
i will be on time for therapy
i will respect the trash sorting system
and i will forgive myself for not always knowing
how to love the right way
silly me
to think my heart would never work again.

poem i wrote after thinking about sending a postcard 

when i call my grandfather 
and he asks if i’m happy
i forget instagram exists
he says “tell me about new york”
so i pretend to have something to say
just like he pretends he’s not days away from death
time never allowed us to be more
than familiar strangers
yet we still figured out
how to be loved by the other 
even if only in card games
and takeout dinners
he would hate this poem 
but i’m a selfish girl
i write to make things i love last forever 
like friends i’ve lost
or really good lo mein. 

2 train

i’m waiting for the 2 train
to meet a rough man
who might be the first to treat me nice
do i really get off on vicious things
or can i only fall in love
when i’m the better person?

last night i read two pages of aristotle
before scrolling myself to sleep 
remember when goodness was something 
i had to study to understand
these days i have perfect manners 
and a pure heart that wouldn’t stop
if i met you now.

thanks for reading ghouls <3

-Rachel Elizzz